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Monday, May 22, 2017

Who Am I?

This is what's on my heart tonight. (I apologize to the people who come here looking for a laugh)

If I'm not a nanny anymore, who am I?
If I'm not the sister who handles all of the family drama,  who am I?
If I'm not a mama to a handful of littles anymore, who am I?
If I'm not the powerhouse that can belt out a Sandy Patti solo for special music, who am I?
If I'm not the wife/mama who can "do it all" then who am I?

What if I turn out to be no one?  *crickets*

I'm in a season of change, and change can be frustrating and upsetting to someone who craves routine and structure as much as I do. I'm working so hard to learn to not be so busy, to make room in my/our chaotic life for breathing, relaxing, for Sunday afternoon naps followed by cuddling during a movie, and for spur of the moment activities not to be a tragedy or an unwelcome intrusion to our schedule.

And I'm doing that. I've got the house cleaner, more regularly, more often than probably ever before. The bills are being paid on time because I can not only find the bills, but I have enough mental clarity to remember to pay them. Derek is getting to bed on time more often. *I'm* getting to bed on time more often. I have time to workout, and grocery shop, and get everyone to the necessary places on time. We're eating at home again, instead of living in the drive through lane. I have time to occasionally indulge in a Sunday afternoon nap with Dan, or to meet a friend for coffee, or even blog again (woot!)

BUT, there's also this awkward feeling inside of me. One that reminds me eleventy billion times a day that I could DO more, BE more, SERVE more, if I wasn't so busy being not so busy. And what if I'm disappointing people who have learned to count on me? And what if I'm being lazy under the guise of being intentional? What if I'm overlooking the important while I'm trying so hard to SEE the important instead of the urgent?

 What if?

And, *gulp* what if....when you take away my flaming chainsaw juggling, baking bread and throwing a dinner party while baby-wearing and homeschooling awesomeness...there is nothing left of worth? What if all I have to offer the world is little old me, insignificant in any meaningful way once all the busyness is stripped away?


Lord help me, because I don't know. I learned last year that I was finding WAY too much of my identity in being Dan's wife and his approval of me. And with my boys turning into men at an alarming rate, I can no longer make my identity about being a mama of littles. Life is changing and I'm struggling to find where I fit into my own new chapter of life.

And that's OK.
Jesus loves me, even in my mess. Jesus knows who I am, who I was, and who I'm going to become. That is so comforting. I shall cling to His hand while I walk this new path. I'm still confused and I'm still feeling blown around by the winds of change, but I know I'm safe in His arms.
That's good enough for me, even if I don't know what's around the next bend.
To be continued...


Kayla said...

Oh my word. We really are the same person living in two different bodies! I understand what you are feeling 150%. I am also struggling with many of these same things. Feeling invisible....past my prime....and many thoughts of....what now? We both need to settle into Jesus' love of us in the process/journey of our changing identities.

Rhonda Hill said...

Amen Kristy!
I. Needed. To. Read. This. Today.
Thank you! You have helped me so much after reading this!
Love you girly!

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